Snowmobile update + UGH

So last night I didnt hear from the bf until like midnight. What did his text say? He crashed his snowmobile. OMFG I almost died! Scared the crap out of me! I guess it rolled over and it broke his key and window and he hurt his leg- but basically is ok. I was glad he told me right away cuz thats the kind of thing that could give a girl a heart attack! Then a while later he invited me up to the bar but it was almost 1am so thats pretty pointless so I said no and went back to bed. Just happy he basically alright. *sigh* Skip to today- I told him my friends are in town from up north and they wanted to know if we wanted to hang out tonight cuz originally we planned on meeting tomorrow. But he said that he is helping his friend with his truck again tonight and he isnt going out. So I told him that was fine and asked if he wants to just do brunch tomorrow and he said he isnt sure cuz his leg really hurts from his crash. All I texted back was ":(". So we shall see what happens. I dont like this. Like, I get that this is different situation and all, but it means a lot to me. And I dont want to make myself all worked up thinking that maybe he is making excuses or something when he legit did fall off his sled so I am trying to settle down. He is ok, thats all that really matters. Big sigh of relief that he is ok. Whewwwwwww....

Absence make the heart grow.. what?

As silly as it sounds, being away from the one you love really makes you appreciate the time you have with them. Not seeing the bf every second of everyday makes my heart really look deep into my feelings and realize how much I treasure every moment of the time I get to spend with W. Granted, I would be with him all the time if I could, but I am learning to really embrace these times apart because it just makes my feelings grow in a different way. Like I realize how lucky I am to have him, and I start to see what a treasure it is to actually have someone to miss. Its been far too long since I felt this way. And even at its worst, its still a good feeling. Having someone worth my heartache is such a welcome change. And let me tell you, I do miss him. Sometimes I pray I get to look into his baby blues again just to remember where I am in this world. There is just something so serene and peaceful when I am in that place. There isnt anything better. Those little looks that people might take for granted, I etch them on my soul and I vow to never forget how they make me feel and that way when we are apart, I have something to fall back on. Of course I would rather have the original, the boy himself next to me in my bed right now. But since I cant, I will take this night alone to reflect on my thoughts and feelings and take the time to go through them in my mind and be sure to never forget them all. This blog will definitely help me to recall the details of some of the smallest moments between us that cumulatively make me fall for his sweet nature. So as I get ready for bed, I am going to just think of his blue eyes peeking at me over those long dark lashes. The way he winks so coyly at me when no one else is looking. How he has those precious looks that only get directed at me. The ones that make me feel like I forgot to breathe. I will dream of his touch, how he holds me, kisses me. Thats what this night will be about. All those tiny beautiful moments strung together that are beginning to equal the greatest part of my life. I already feel so calm and happy just merely dreaming of him. So as I sign off to rest, I will play those movies in my mind that are the greatest things I could ask for, and all I can do is hope tomorrow holds more of them. Sigh... lovesick but oh so happy :)

Lyrically speaking

Ok so I love song lyrics, especially when they can 100% describe how I am feeling even when I cant quite form the words myself. Every blog I have ever had is fueled by song lyrics, and this shall be no exception. So I made a bathtime playlist that I listen to a lot, and one song on there has just come to life for this whole thing with W, and it runs through my mind all the time. I could easily google the lyrics and copy and paste them, but I like listening to the song and hitting each key to explain how I am feeling, so here we go friends... "This Love" by The Veronicas I can see it in your eyes Taste it in our first kiss Stranger in this lonely town Save me from my emptiness You took my hand Told me it would be okay Trustin' you to hold my heart Now fate is pulling me away from you Even if I leave you now And it breaks my heart Even if I'm not around I wont give in I cant give up On this love You've become a piece of me Makes me sick to even think Of mornings waking up alone Searching for you in my sheets Don't fade away Even if I leave you now And it breaks my heart Even if I'm not around I wont give in I cant give up On this love I cant just close the door On this love I've never felt anything like this before Like this love Tell me the truth no matter what we're going through Will you hold on too? Cuz Even if I leave you now And it breaks my heart Even if I'm not around I wont give in I cant give up On this love Even if I leave you now And it breaks my heart Even if I'm not around I wont give in I cant give up I wont give in I cant give up On this love....

How Facebook perplexes me

Ok, I know this is my 4th blog today, but let me just tell you that whether or not I articulate these thoughts here on this blog, they are happening in my head so I am choosing to put them down for my own sanity. Plus only one person besides me in the world knows this blog exists (shout out to J25) so I feel like I am allowed to blab all I want! Deal with it, internet! Ok, facebook. W and I became official on facebook. It was quite unexpected but lovely all the same. Many people "liked" my new relationship status, and several also commented. So the whole internet knows about the two of us, and its a new thing to me and it feels oddly exciting that he wants the world to know. Thats a new one to me. After the initial shock of the whole facebook official thing, W went on to post 3 separate pics of us kissing on facebook. Again, this blew my mind. That he not only wanted to share that with his friends, but that he tagged me in it like "this is us" and it makes me so happy. To back up a bit- a couple weeks ago we were out at the bar hanging out with this couple he is friends with. The wife kept telling W that she had never seen him smile so much and that she loved seeing him so happy. I was so blown away by that and it made me feel so good. Later, he asked the same woman to take a pic of us on his phone. He handed it over then was all "kiss me" so I did, and she snapped a pic. Or 4. They were really cute pics, love that he wanted them. Then when he put them on facebook, I was again just floored that he wanted people to see. In the best way possible. Made me feel amazing. He didnt have to do that, he could have kept them to himself, but he didnt. And let me tell you- my facebook-stalking revealed that he doesnt post many pics at all. Not compared to me, anyway. So the fact that he chose to post a pic of us kissing (well, technically 3 pics of us kissing) really said something to me. Heart=melted. So yeah. Thats the facebook story. Thanks, Zuckerberg. :)

I need to calm the eff down sometimes

Alright, so its a Friday night and in case you were wondering what I am doing, well I will tell you... I am sitting in my bed with Vixen asleep at my feet as I watch the Gopher hockey game, listen to the FUN. album "Some Nights", and blog. All while pretending to not be staring at my phone waiting for a text from the bf. Let me go back and fill in a little about what makes this relationship unique (In addition to the fact that it exists at all). My bf is deaf, and I am hearing. I knew him in high school cuz he rode my bus. And I had the. biggest. crush. ever. on him. EVER. I know if I looked I could find notes I wrote to my high school friends about him, thats how much I liked him. He was basically the reason I ever started learning ASL. Because I wanted to talk to him. And I did, I would ask him stuff about ASL and whatever I could just to have an excuse to talk to him. Well about a month and a half ago I was on a date with someone else (who sucks, BTW) and he took me to a bar I probably never would have gone to on my own. After being there a while I saw W (the bf) with another guy we lived by and I was like OMG its W! At first, I wasnt going to talk to him, but a few beers changed my mind. My date went outside to smoke, so I bucked up and walked over and said hi. I said hi to the friend first and he remembered me after some explanation. (This was required because I was desperately forgettable back in the day. In fact, I am pretty sure I still am.) Then I turned my attention to W and told him who I was, how I knew him, etc etc. He didnt remember me at all. I kept giving him a hard time about it but was really kidding. I actually think it works to my benefit that he doesnt remember the awkward, crooked-toothed, overall-wearing, pimple-faced, insecure loser that I really was in high school. Well we chatted a while and the guy I was there with came back in and I introduced them. Then W asked my for my facebook and phone number, which I gladly gave him. Right in front of my date. (Remember, he sucked anyway) We stayed at the bar for a short while longer then went to leave. W came up to my date and got his attention and with one hand he pointed at me, and with the other he put it on his chest over his heart and patted his chest, as if to say "be good to her". I was floored. It was the most adorable thing that I had ever seen. Even just talking about it now makes my heart skip a beat. My date nodded and we left the bar. Before we pulled out of the parking lot, W had texted me... So stuff with this other guy fizzled out, and W kept texting me, and on my birthday I texted him to tell him we were at the bar by my house. He was apologetic but said that his friend he was with couldnt drive him over because he had been drinking. I told him it was ok, but I was bummed. A short time later he texted me that he was at the bar I was at! I found him and asked how he got there. He took a cab. HE TOOK A CAB. FOR ME. It really blew me away. He proceeded to hang out with us all night and we talked and talked and had some drinks and it was such a nice way to spend my birthday evening. I officially had a new crush on him after that night. We went to the bar the next weekend and he ended up coming over to my house afterwards and we had our first kiss. 15-year-old me was totally high-fiving me for that one! And it was the sweetest first kiss I have ever had in my life. It just was. I cant even really explain why other than that it was so easy and tender and sincere. Well then that Sunday W invited me to his house to watch the Super Bowl with his mom and they had people coming over, so I gladly came along. We had a fun time hanging out and I stayed at his house and then he brought me home in the morning on his way to work. As soon as he left he texted and told me he wished he could have stayed in bed all day with me and stay warm by cuddling. I was on cloud 9, to say the least. Then at some point that morning I went on facebook and had a notification that W listed us as being a relationship and I had to "approve" my relationship status change. So I texted him and said So I see you listed us in a relationship on facebook?... and he said Yeah, do you want to? And I was like YES!!!! So I approved it. Here we are 3 1/2 weeks later and I am still on cloud 9. (I am getting to my point of this post, I swear. Just bear with me...) So when I am with him, I know he cares about me. He tells me, he shows me. I just know. But the second we are apart, my stupid over-active brain wont quit analyzing everything ever in the history of the planet. I start to convince myself that he doesnt like me anymore, that at any moment he is going to start ignoring me and not wanting to see me and I will be heartbroken, as usual. So far I am wrong, but that bitchy voice in my mind keeps reminding me that this will end because it always does. And as much as I tell that beeyotch to sit down and shut up, she keeps talking. So then I start to fear the worst. And it eats me alive. Its so hard because I DONT want to be that girl that is always thinking the worst, because thats not really who I am. Yeah, I start doubting everything with him because I feel like he is always on the verge of figuring out that he can do better than me, but I also dream about good things. Like a future with him, things we will do, places we will go, people we will see. And that side of my mind is always working against the negative. I just dont know how to really really let go of the fear with it all. I am stuck in the mud that is my insecurities. I am certain how I feel about him, always have been. But I am NOT certain about how he feels. Or what exactly he actually feels and why. And I get that not everyone will come right out and lay their heart on the line, but I am trying to face my fear and not hold myself back. If I were to die tomorrow, would I regret what I didnt say today? I try to live by that reasoning and if I want to say something I try to say it. But I havent yet been able to tell him how afraid I am that he will leave. The reason being is that he is very straighforward, blunt. He tells things how they are. So he has told me he loves me. He told me I will be his girl forever. He told me he just wants to make me happy. He pinky-promised me we will stay together. But I still worry that he will change his mind. But I dont want him to. More than anything ever, I want him to want to stay with me. Forever. And I dont want to sabotage something so good. But the angel and devil that sit upon each shoulder just cannot come to any sort of agreement when it comes to this subject. And unfortunately the devil always has the edge. I dont want to bother him with all the girly over-analyzation that goes on in my head and I want to learn to just let it be. And I think I do a damn good job when I am with him. I can see it in his eyes, how he acts toward me, it feels right and so real. But once I am alone with my thoughts, I start to find reasons he will run. Like today, for example, is Friday. He is with his buddy working on his buddys car, and I told him I have my moms car tonight if he wants to hang out. I havent heard back. So, naturally I assume he hates me. He will break up with me. He is sick of me. Its all over, back to the crappy world of Forever Alone. When in reality he is probably knee-deep in a truck motor, hanging out with his best friend. And its ok if we dont hang out every weekend. But the problem is I want to hang out every weekend. And weekday. And always. And this is where the whole "I need to calm the eff down sometimes" comes in. I really need to reel it in. He has never done anything that would lead a sane person to believe that he is about to jump ship. But clearly that makes me insane. And I own that, I really do. And I am trying to let it go and just be here in the moment. But its basically impossible. And just because I have no life doesnt mean I expect him not to either. It really is just something I need to deal with, and not that I feel like I cant talk to him about it, because I have talked to him about things that are much harder to say. I guess I just dont want him to feel like I am doubting him and his feelings because thats not really it. But no matter how often he tells me he loves me, I dont know if it will ever be enough. Not to be annoying but I am that girl that has never in her whole life had a man worth trusting, so its almost like I am waiting for him to fail too, just like everyone else. But I desperately do NOT want that. I repeat: I do NOT WANT THAT. I may need to be tranquilized sometime soon because I cant find any other solution. What do I say to him? How do I explain it to him without coming across like I dont believe him? Or do I just wait? I dont know! What I do know is that I need to calm the eff down and remember how it feels when he looks into my eyes and I look back into his beautiful blue eyes and I KNOW he cares. I do, I know it. I want to live in that place, right there with him, where the rest of the world cant interfere. But that cant happen. The world is here, and it is all up in my bid'ness. Its just so easy when I am with him. I dont have to impress him, I just am myself. Like last weekend when I saw him at the last second and was wearing freaking pajama jeans, a hoodie, and barely any makeup on. He doesnt care. I dont have to wear heels and bronzer and a cute outfit. He even told me that he doesnt care if I wear makeup, he likes me the way I am. What? Seriously? I mean, he has seen me many mornings with my hair in a fro, yesterdays makeup smeared under my eyes, bad breath and all. And he still comes back for more. Its baffling. I just needed to write this post to remind myself of all these things. Nothing in life is guaranteed but death and taxes, and this is neither. But thats part of the magic of love- the unknown. Feeling so desperately wonderful with someone and not believing there is any way in the world they could feel the same way in return. Maybe I will never know but its ok. I am loving being with him, he is just so incredible I still cant believe I can call him mine. So, he still hasnt texted but I am going to take a deep breath, watch Minnesota whoop Denver, and remember that he does love me and I will let it be....

Snowmobiling

So I think that this subject requires its own post. My bf loves snowmobiling. He loves riding them, fixing them up, watching races, etc. So I had never been on one in my entire life (I know, how very un-Minnesotan of me) until last weekend when the bf and his mom took me out. They knew I had never gone and I made them fully aware of my fears of them, and so the bf's mom said I could ride with her first cuz she would take it easy. So when we got up and going Saturday morning, I needed to suit up. His moms bf lent me his snow-overalls and a spare coat. I looked like a clown in giant baggy pants and an old teal and purple columbia jacket with a black helmet that was WAY too big on me. So before we went riding, the bf had to change the spark plugs on his moms sled, and I'm sorry (not sorry) but it is hot when boys fix stuff. And he makes it look so easy. I dont even know wtf a spark plug looks like! Haha. But then when we were just about ready to go for a ride, the bf's mom asked him to move her sled around so it was ready to go, so he hopped on the sled, one knee on the seat, half standing up. His coat was open and he had snowpants on. His hat was on backwards and his sunglasses were on. It was one of those moments that is burned into my memory in the best way ever. As he sped around in a circle to move it around, I just watched him and took it all in. The sun was shining so bright, and the sky seemed extra blue from the reflection off the new, white snow that had fallen the night before. And I know that to him it was nothing; he has ridden snowmobiles hundreds of times. But it was new to me. And I have never thought he looked hotter. Just how easily he was able to maneuver the snowmobile and make it look so effortless, and for lack of a better word, sexy. I wish I had a picture of him in that moment, but its in my mind so that is ok too. Anyway, back to the story. So we were ready to go and I jumped on behind his mom, and we took off. The bf led the way and his mom and I followed behind on her sled. We had to go through the neighborhood, down the road, across swamps, and through some woods to reach the lake we were headed for. It was scary at times, I dont know how to adjust my position on such a machine so I am sure it was hard for his mom to have me as a rider. But I tried. It was amazingly gorgeous out. I mean, best day of the entire winter, hands down. Bright and sunny, blue clear sky, perfect new layer of white snow. God got it so right that day. So it helped keep me from getting too scared as I rode through some crazy terrain. I was busy trying not to fall off and die while also watching the bf up ahead and hope HE wouldnt die either. Lots of worry was going on, but I tried to be calm and enjoy it anyway. But the by is a bit of a daredevil and was going really fast, taking jumps, and tipping his sled. Just having fun, really. Once we reached the halfway point and decided to head back, we switched and the bf took his moms sled, and she took his and I got to ride with him. Well, he thought it was funny to go super fast and try to scare me and get me to yell at him. But I didnt. I knew he wouldnt endanger me, plus I liked holding onto him tighter ;) It was a nice ride back just in the silence and beauty of a perfect February day, arms around my love. I know how much he loves snowmobiling, so the fact that he wanted to share that with me meant a lot. Plus to be able to indulge him in going on a ride made me really happy. When we got back to his house and took our helmets off, we sat on the sleds, side by side, and just took in the beauty of the day. It sounds goofy but I really did have a great time. I mean, I am still scared of it, but I lived this time so I must say I did enjoy myself. And of course I had to find out I like riding snowmobiles right in time for March, meaning there will likely be no more opportunity to go for another ride this winter. Oh well, that one ride was so great I will be alright :) Now I just have to come up with other reasons to hold on to him like I would while riding...

So my bf is basically the sweetest person ever

Alright, I just gotta tell you about how sweet my boyfriend actually is. Like in real life, when no one is watching, and when you could easily do nothing, he still does the right thing. Blows. My. Mind. So on Wednesday morning, I woke up and the bf had texted me that he tried to call me, and it was only like 7:45am so thats weird. I had a bad feeling right away, like something wasnt right. I texted him back but no answer. I assumed he was driving to work or something. So an hour later I texted him again that I was worried. Then shortly afterwards he called me. Turns out he hadn't gone to work because he had been up all night in terrible tooth pain that radiated in his jaw and face and he was miserable. I knew something was wrong! So he came over and we found an appointment for him and I took him in. The dentist was great to him and it was clear that he had a big issue with this tooth and when the dentist pushed on the tooth to check for pain, I thought the bf was going to jump out of his skin it hurt so bad. Anyway, the dentist numbed it up and was able to drill and relieve the pressure enough that he can wait to get it pulled in a couple weeks. When we left, we had to go to the pharmacy to get his meds. As we sat waiting for them to fill the Rx, a woman came into the store and was in a rush. She went up to the counter and unloaded her basket that was full of things she was buying, then she went next to the counter to put her basket away, and when she walked away from it the entire stack of baskets tipped over and fell on the ground. She was clearly flustered, standing at the counter trying to pay for her items. I was busy watching her reaction when out of nowhere, the bf gets up and walks over and picks up the baskets, sets them back up, makes sure they are not going to fall again, and comes back and sits down next to me. My jaw must have been on the floor cuz he looked at me and was like "What?" and I just shook my head. Like, I know its not a huge deal, but it is to me. It would have been easy to sit back and do nothing at that moment. I even consider myself a nice person, but I wouldnt have done what he did. And he wasnt annoyed or mad. He just did it because it was the right thing to do. And he wasnt trying to get attention or something. He honestly didnt even realize why I was staring at him. Just wow. Wow. And he is MY bf. Dang... But thats not it. The previous night our garage door broke. It wouldnt open or close right, some wire thingy was off track or something. I know NOTHING about stuff like that. Well, while the bf and I were at the dentist waiting I had told him about it, and he said he would look at it. I told him he didnt have to today since his mouth was killing him, but he said he would. Well after all the dental errands, we went back to my house and I was hoping he would forget about the garage cuz he was starving and half his face was totally numb, but nope. His sweetness remembered and insisted, much to my dismay, that he take a look at it. So he came in and we went out to the garage and right away he knew what it was and went to work. Again, I know NOTHING about mechanical stuff or whatever, so I cant even begin to tell you what he actually did. But I can tell you it involved two tools, lots of elbow grease, and some rigorous handiwork. After about 10 minutes, the garage was fully functioning, up and down. Even though he didnt feel well and had every reason in the world (pain, hunger, exhaustion, etc..) to NOT help, he did it anyway. This was the second time in one day I was left with my jaw on the floor. His mama sure did something right. And he sure knows how to act despite the world around us. And I guess what really gets me is that its simply who he is: he isnt just doing things to impress me. He is very straightforward and isnt trying to be anything he isnt, and its basically the coolest thing ever. Even when we left the dentist and he was all numb and whatnot, he unlocked and opened my door first. I just cant get over it. Its weird and awesome to have someone care about me like this. I still get confused sometimes because I am so not used to it, but every little thing he does that shows me he cares makes me fall more and more. And I hope I do the same for him, I try to make sure he knows I am trying to show him I care at all times. Like at the dentist, when we were left alone in the room for a moment, I just ran my hand through his hair and smiled a little, cuz I knew he was in so much pain and he looked so tired. But that boy never complained once. I just cant even... He makes me want to be a better person: better friend, daughter, sister, girlfriend, roommate, everything. I want to make him proud of me like I am of him. I used to imagine what a good boyfriend would act like, but this far surpasses everything I ever imagined. Now I just want to go on and on. So I am going to. LOL. So I am going to keep telling you why this boy, MY BOYFRIEND, is the actual sweetest person ever. So, a couple weekends ago he and I went to the Polar Plunge (where a bunch of crazies jump into a frozen lake to raise money for Special Olympics) anyway, in order to see it clearly, we had to walk down a steep and icy hill to get down by the lake to see everything. I had crappy boots on with like no traction, and unprompted, he grabbed my arm and braced me with him as we tried to get down the hill. Again, might not seem like a big deal, but how freaking sweet is that? I mean, what? And when we finally made it down the hill, he grabbed my hand to hold it. But it was so cold and windy out that he took my hand and put it in his coat pocket along with his so they would be warm and he could still hold my hand. My heart just melted. OMG. Oh and when I was at his house last weekend, I saw that he took the valentines day card I had given to him and had it up in his room :) :) :) :) Oh and in the morning he was doing some laundry, and accidentally threw my socks in, so I had to steal some of his for the day and I am weird and I still have them. LOL. Ok, I am going to take a break for a few but I am sure I will be back after I find some more Sugar Free RedBull. XOXO