I need to calm the eff down sometimes

Alright, so its a Friday night and in case you were wondering what I am doing, well I will tell you... I am sitting in my bed with Vixen asleep at my feet as I watch the Gopher hockey game, listen to the FUN. album "Some Nights", and blog. All while pretending to not be staring at my phone waiting for a text from the bf. Let me go back and fill in a little about what makes this relationship unique (In addition to the fact that it exists at all). My bf is deaf, and I am hearing. I knew him in high school cuz he rode my bus. And I had the. biggest. crush. ever. on him. EVER. I know if I looked I could find notes I wrote to my high school friends about him, thats how much I liked him. He was basically the reason I ever started learning ASL. Because I wanted to talk to him. And I did, I would ask him stuff about ASL and whatever I could just to have an excuse to talk to him. Well about a month and a half ago I was on a date with someone else (who sucks, BTW) and he took me to a bar I probably never would have gone to on my own. After being there a while I saw W (the bf) with another guy we lived by and I was like OMG its W! At first, I wasnt going to talk to him, but a few beers changed my mind. My date went outside to smoke, so I bucked up and walked over and said hi. I said hi to the friend first and he remembered me after some explanation. (This was required because I was desperately forgettable back in the day. In fact, I am pretty sure I still am.) Then I turned my attention to W and told him who I was, how I knew him, etc etc. He didnt remember me at all. I kept giving him a hard time about it but was really kidding. I actually think it works to my benefit that he doesnt remember the awkward, crooked-toothed, overall-wearing, pimple-faced, insecure loser that I really was in high school. Well we chatted a while and the guy I was there with came back in and I introduced them. Then W asked my for my facebook and phone number, which I gladly gave him. Right in front of my date. (Remember, he sucked anyway) We stayed at the bar for a short while longer then went to leave. W came up to my date and got his attention and with one hand he pointed at me, and with the other he put it on his chest over his heart and patted his chest, as if to say "be good to her". I was floored. It was the most adorable thing that I had ever seen. Even just talking about it now makes my heart skip a beat. My date nodded and we left the bar. Before we pulled out of the parking lot, W had texted me... So stuff with this other guy fizzled out, and W kept texting me, and on my birthday I texted him to tell him we were at the bar by my house. He was apologetic but said that his friend he was with couldnt drive him over because he had been drinking. I told him it was ok, but I was bummed. A short time later he texted me that he was at the bar I was at! I found him and asked how he got there. He took a cab. HE TOOK A CAB. FOR ME. It really blew me away. He proceeded to hang out with us all night and we talked and talked and had some drinks and it was such a nice way to spend my birthday evening. I officially had a new crush on him after that night. We went to the bar the next weekend and he ended up coming over to my house afterwards and we had our first kiss. 15-year-old me was totally high-fiving me for that one! And it was the sweetest first kiss I have ever had in my life. It just was. I cant even really explain why other than that it was so easy and tender and sincere. Well then that Sunday W invited me to his house to watch the Super Bowl with his mom and they had people coming over, so I gladly came along. We had a fun time hanging out and I stayed at his house and then he brought me home in the morning on his way to work. As soon as he left he texted and told me he wished he could have stayed in bed all day with me and stay warm by cuddling. I was on cloud 9, to say the least. Then at some point that morning I went on facebook and had a notification that W listed us as being a relationship and I had to "approve" my relationship status change. So I texted him and said So I see you listed us in a relationship on facebook?... and he said Yeah, do you want to? And I was like YES!!!! So I approved it. Here we are 3 1/2 weeks later and I am still on cloud 9. (I am getting to my point of this post, I swear. Just bear with me...) So when I am with him, I know he cares about me. He tells me, he shows me. I just know. But the second we are apart, my stupid over-active brain wont quit analyzing everything ever in the history of the planet. I start to convince myself that he doesnt like me anymore, that at any moment he is going to start ignoring me and not wanting to see me and I will be heartbroken, as usual. So far I am wrong, but that bitchy voice in my mind keeps reminding me that this will end because it always does. And as much as I tell that beeyotch to sit down and shut up, she keeps talking. So then I start to fear the worst. And it eats me alive. Its so hard because I DONT want to be that girl that is always thinking the worst, because thats not really who I am. Yeah, I start doubting everything with him because I feel like he is always on the verge of figuring out that he can do better than me, but I also dream about good things. Like a future with him, things we will do, places we will go, people we will see. And that side of my mind is always working against the negative. I just dont know how to really really let go of the fear with it all. I am stuck in the mud that is my insecurities. I am certain how I feel about him, always have been. But I am NOT certain about how he feels. Or what exactly he actually feels and why. And I get that not everyone will come right out and lay their heart on the line, but I am trying to face my fear and not hold myself back. If I were to die tomorrow, would I regret what I didnt say today? I try to live by that reasoning and if I want to say something I try to say it. But I havent yet been able to tell him how afraid I am that he will leave. The reason being is that he is very straighforward, blunt. He tells things how they are. So he has told me he loves me. He told me I will be his girl forever. He told me he just wants to make me happy. He pinky-promised me we will stay together. But I still worry that he will change his mind. But I dont want him to. More than anything ever, I want him to want to stay with me. Forever. And I dont want to sabotage something so good. But the angel and devil that sit upon each shoulder just cannot come to any sort of agreement when it comes to this subject. And unfortunately the devil always has the edge. I dont want to bother him with all the girly over-analyzation that goes on in my head and I want to learn to just let it be. And I think I do a damn good job when I am with him. I can see it in his eyes, how he acts toward me, it feels right and so real. But once I am alone with my thoughts, I start to find reasons he will run. Like today, for example, is Friday. He is with his buddy working on his buddys car, and I told him I have my moms car tonight if he wants to hang out. I havent heard back. So, naturally I assume he hates me. He will break up with me. He is sick of me. Its all over, back to the crappy world of Forever Alone. When in reality he is probably knee-deep in a truck motor, hanging out with his best friend. And its ok if we dont hang out every weekend. But the problem is I want to hang out every weekend. And weekday. And always. And this is where the whole "I need to calm the eff down sometimes" comes in. I really need to reel it in. He has never done anything that would lead a sane person to believe that he is about to jump ship. But clearly that makes me insane. And I own that, I really do. And I am trying to let it go and just be here in the moment. But its basically impossible. And just because I have no life doesnt mean I expect him not to either. It really is just something I need to deal with, and not that I feel like I cant talk to him about it, because I have talked to him about things that are much harder to say. I guess I just dont want him to feel like I am doubting him and his feelings because thats not really it. But no matter how often he tells me he loves me, I dont know if it will ever be enough. Not to be annoying but I am that girl that has never in her whole life had a man worth trusting, so its almost like I am waiting for him to fail too, just like everyone else. But I desperately do NOT want that. I repeat: I do NOT WANT THAT. I may need to be tranquilized sometime soon because I cant find any other solution. What do I say to him? How do I explain it to him without coming across like I dont believe him? Or do I just wait? I dont know! What I do know is that I need to calm the eff down and remember how it feels when he looks into my eyes and I look back into his beautiful blue eyes and I KNOW he cares. I do, I know it. I want to live in that place, right there with him, where the rest of the world cant interfere. But that cant happen. The world is here, and it is all up in my bid'ness. Its just so easy when I am with him. I dont have to impress him, I just am myself. Like last weekend when I saw him at the last second and was wearing freaking pajama jeans, a hoodie, and barely any makeup on. He doesnt care. I dont have to wear heels and bronzer and a cute outfit. He even told me that he doesnt care if I wear makeup, he likes me the way I am. What? Seriously? I mean, he has seen me many mornings with my hair in a fro, yesterdays makeup smeared under my eyes, bad breath and all. And he still comes back for more. Its baffling. I just needed to write this post to remind myself of all these things. Nothing in life is guaranteed but death and taxes, and this is neither. But thats part of the magic of love- the unknown. Feeling so desperately wonderful with someone and not believing there is any way in the world they could feel the same way in return. Maybe I will never know but its ok. I am loving being with him, he is just so incredible I still cant believe I can call him mine. So, he still hasnt texted but I am going to take a deep breath, watch Minnesota whoop Denver, and remember that he does love me and I will let it be....